Okay, so you spent the last few months firing applications into the sky like someone left you alone with a t-shirt cannon. And lo and behold someone actually responded. So you brush the lint off of your suit jacket, brush it even more out of pre-interview anxiety, then switch to your backup suit when you accidentally de-lint so hard, you loosen the threads on the shoulder. <\/p>\n
So your hair is cut, your pubes are trimmed and your nails are scaled down from their former Howard Hughes-ish length. And now you have to drive three hours down to some nowhere town (“Nowhere” defined as having a Stop’n’Shop and a paucity of sidewalks.) in your most expensive clothes in Honda’s least expensive automobile of 2002.<\/p>\n
Now, female interviewers love a gruff, raspy voice. They find it very masculine and authoritative. In order to achieve this, on your drive to the interview, sing along to the Frozen soundtrack with all the Menzel-ian vivacity you can muster. Make sure to hold those notes. Doesn’t matter what key, just hold them. <\/p>\n
That done, you should have an advantage answering the following questions with a smooth Batman-esque baritone. <\/p>\n
Make sure that, when asked why you want this job, you can quickly produce your slack billfold and display it loudly. Seconds count here, so no fumbling. <\/p>\n
When they ask the inevitable question: “How do you plan on maintaining diversity in the work place?” Look them dead in the eye and say with great seriousness: I am willing to convert to Judaism. <\/p>\n
Wild hand gestures are great for distracting from your thread-bare curriculum vitae. <\/p>\n
Do not put anything in your hair.<\/p>\n
For a followup to the interview, as a thank you, send them whatever food they were eating at the time. Note: if it was soup, double-bag the ziploc. If it was a sandwich, use loose wax paper to let the bread breathe. <\/p>\n
Watch the stock price of your interviewer’s company after the big day. Lower is better. Lower means they just may be desperate enough to hire you. <\/p>\n
When you finally get the call, thank them breathlessly, hang up and sit quietly contemplating how you’ve been offered the first step into your career. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Okay, so you spent the last few months firing applications into the sky like someone left you alone with a t-shirt cannon. And lo and behold someone actually responded. So you brush the lint off of your suit jacket, brush it even more out of pre-interview anxiety, then switch to your backup suit when you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3806"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3806"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3806\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3948,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3806\/revisions\/3948"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3806"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3806"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3806"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}