{"id":3963,"date":"2015-05-06T17:16:39","date_gmt":"2015-05-06T22:16:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/?p=3963"},"modified":"2015-05-06T19:19:23","modified_gmt":"2015-05-07T00:19:23","slug":"rent-it-today","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/?p=3963","title":{"rendered":"Rent it today!"},"content":{"rendered":"

I received the news about my new job over the phone (while she was driving, no less) two weeks before I set foot behind the counter of my training store in Tinley Park. I had two weeks to find residence for this danville position. <\/p>\n

First things first, bike 56 miles in 8 hrs. Then swing by danville on the way back home to scope out apartments. There were two. One doesn’t allow pets and only had a ground floor apartment. The other had many units, second and first story. And a liberal pet policy. I went with the latter. (Because I could not abide the thought of sharing a wall with a conservative hedgehog.)<\/p>\n

I signed a lease the Thursday ten days before my move-in date. During that ten day’s time, I had 40 hours of training in Tinley Park, one 14-hr shift, and a BSOD that had me relearning the alphabet. But more on that partidubar pojnt lafer. <\/p>\n

First, I had to acquire all the trappings of modern day life, which ironically didn’t involve any of my trapping equipment. Mostly paper towels, at least that was mom’s stratagem. I needed 16 rolls worth. And 52 pairs of boxers. And 3 toilet brushes. What does she think I do all day?<\/p>\n

Whether or not she was trying to clean out her hall closet of coupon-ed goods, I totally went Giving Tree on Mom’s house. <\/p>\n

\"2014-10-24<\/a><\/p>\n

All this (sans bitchin’ black leather sofas) fits in one Honda Fit and one Toyota Sienna. Along with two and half Asians. <\/p>\n

It turns out cornfields terrify my mom. There’s just… nothing. No one to hear your scream for help as you’re assaulted, she says. (By who, mom? A scare crow? A wind turbine? You spent a childhood playing in a rice paddy, for frick’s sake. Those have… tigers and shit.) She got an up close look at “rural” when we turned off I-57 to take some of those narrow two-lane country roads. She wasn’t so keen on danville either. No sidewalks and a lot of empty mall parking lots. And my landlord is black. But she was probably salty for other reasons that day. <\/p>\n

Now me, I was less surprised by the economic non-activity and scratching my head at other observations. <\/p>\n

Like a Little Caesar’s. And *gasp* a Family Video. (What year is it? Did my Honda Civic pull a DeLorean?) Do they not have Netflix here? This is like one of those weird time-warped towns whose anachronism serves as an allegory to complement the greater narrative. Or the internet sucks here.<\/p>\n

Oh, wait.
\nComcast. *exasperated sigh* <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I received the news about my new job over the phone (while she was driving, no less) two weeks before I set foot behind the counter of my training store in Tinley Park. I had two weeks to find residence for this danville position. First things first, bike 56 miles in 8 hrs. Then swing […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[40,1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3963"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3963"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3963\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3973,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3963\/revisions\/3973"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3963"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3963"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tommy.lardbucket.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3963"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}