Now you all know, I need a summer job. If I work 40 hours weekly for 12 weeks at an entry level job, I can offset almost 7% of my tuition for this year (before taxes). Unfortunately, my only relevant occupational skill is working at minimum wage so I’ve been applying to everything and anyone in the area.

Some companies have the shadiest damn job application web sites. Even the ones that contract out to third parties.

“No SSL? Seriously? It looks like you’re having me enter my social security number into a long abandoned Geocities homepage. These forms sits in a bordered table on a tiled background. This looks like the Gary, Indiana of the Internet. Is that a frame? WTF?!”

Target is pretty good. But the movie theater is barebones: forms and a submit button. Like Joe’s Crab Shack.

Dunkin Donuts is classier, contracting out to a third party website, but it requires registration. Also, they tried to sell me cheap plane seats. But they contract other companies too, so I can apply to Pizza Hut and Burger King because they require the same website.

CVS and Menards are ugly, but seems functionally sound; McDonalds’ looks good at first, but the further you get from their corporate home page, the more sparse the design becomes. Eventually you get to that plain-white-background-content-and-back-button sort of style near the end.

Six flags actually required an emergency contact before I started. How bad could this application be? Could I suddenly pass out during?

Awesome. If the job app makes me pass out, what will the interview be like? Will they put me on the Giant Drop to see how I handle stressful situations? The ultimate lie detector.

The application turned out to be just more of the same but at least it attempted to keep things legit. Like many others, it had a bunch of questions at the end that were supposed to gauge my personality. You probably expect that these would be pretty easy, but they’re designed to have content validity but to not be transparent. Most are transparent measures of customer service. But occasionally, they’re ambiguous, and you can tell that the test writers got you.


“You look back and feel bad about things you’ve done.”
Who hasn’t? If I disagree, then I’m unrepentant. Even a sociopath. If I agree, then I tacitly admit to doing bad things.

“You don’t act polite when you don’t want to.” Is this a question of manners or a question of free will?

“You finish your work no matter what.” A Sith deals in absolutes. For example, if my job were to make sure everyone leaves the park, then aerosolized nerve agents will expedite the process.

“You’ve done your share of troublemaking.” Okay, if I agree, then I come off a troublemaker. If I disagree, that could be interpreted as saying I’m not done making trouble yet.

It’s not to say as if I’m complaining about the Spartan design of some of the webapps. I just think it reflects a lot on the company what the first thing their potential employees see. Like at the job fair where a multiregional, corporate drug giant was luring graduates with a bowl of lollipops.

So what I’ve learned from all this is that online web applications do nothing. No one will ever see it. Show up at the place. Wear a tie. Hold a resume. Don’t be surprised to be deferred to another day.

Now to pick out a toaster oven, American Idol style.

2 Responses to “Job”

  1. Chris says:

    will our toaster oven be a vocal legend?

  2. Dylan says:

    will our toaster oven be a vocal legend. (That is in the condescending, judgmental voice).

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