The Finite

I’m here. I’m alive. I’ve really been into just trying to keep my head above water in my classes. I added another class, which puts me at 18 credit hours and a 5 hour marathon on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I really, really hate to sleep apparently. And this puts me out for my classes’ TA office hours too. Which is why I have a new catchphrase: “Oh, well… shit.”

I’m finally in classes with actual pre-med students too, now that Physics has caught me up curriculum-wise. Now that I’m in Physical Chemistry (CHM 372), I get to have my self-esteem torpedoed on a daily basis. It’s not just that the pre-meds are really really smart and make this quantum mechanics stuff look easy, it’s all the extracurricular stuff they do.

“I got to get to the pool to train for my triathlon next month.”

“I’m so tired. I spent all night in the lab working on my gels.”

“My internship has me coming in at 8AM all summer! And they won’t let me have coffee in the clean room.”

“That Kaplan prep class is tough! I keep missing that endocrinology question.”

“They postponed my meeting. The lead researcher had to go back to Stockholm for a few days.”

It’s really easy to feel inadequate. I have no research experience. My last practice MCAT score was lower than my ACT score. I’ve had no internships. I’m not an RA. And I don’t have a Blackberry.

But hell. I gotta apply. Nothing to lose except for $4-5000 spent on application fees and deposits, interview and travel expenses and that darn MCAT.

I’m on Spring Break now. And I found myself looking upon a familiar sight. I’m at UIUC. It’s been two years to the day since I was here last. The high school crew has moved on and changed. And I with them.

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on… when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend… some separations that go too deep… that have taken hold. I cannot always be torn in two. I will have to be one and whole for many years. I have so much to enjoy and to be and to do. My part in the story will go on, but it won’t be here.

But enough of the heavy stuff, I’m on vacation. Bacon time.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 13th, 2011 at 6:47 pm and is filed under Day-to-Day. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.