Archive for the ‘Inside Jokes’ Category

Spring Break: Chronicles of a Hobo

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

A friend of a twin brother of a friend in Group C was so kind to drop me off in front of the dormitories of the former Scholastic Bowl at UIUC as he drove my friend and my friend’s twin brother back to Illinois. My arrival was met with less fanfare and confetti from the old gang than I expected. Although there were nachos, the news of a cake was a fabrication.

fake uni ID I was a infiltrator in the hordes of UofI students. With forged papers, I rode the buses, studied in the libraries and sat on the grass. Neal & Peter among others, took turns swiping me into dining courts. Neal also got me hooked on the fruit smoothies from LateNight, the local after-hours food source which every college seems to have.

While I was there, Neal and I collaborated to convince some dining court workers to make the “Margaret Thatcher” fruit smoothie. It has peach, strawberries, mango and a hint of “Prime Minister-iness”.

What with being away from smoothies for several days, I’m experiencing fairly severe withdrawal symptoms right now. Cravings, anxiety, dysphoria; all of them.

(Neal, if you are reading this, and I know you are, probably fresh from shooting zombies. I need you to mail me a strawberry banana smoothie in a ziploc bag. Purdue is a produce desert. Exotic fruits like mango and blueberries have been hard to come by with Hillenbrand closed and the Great College of Ag Schism.)

I do miss hanging out with Asians. I did all the requisite college Asian things that I haven’t been able to do with my white friends: basketball, sleeping on the floor, studying in the library. I got so much chemistry done at the undergraduate library. And I finished the anatomy chapter I’ve been holding off on. It was awesome.

I also got to watch real Asians play Super Smash Bros. I learned for the second time what it’s like to be beaten and thrown around by a falsetto-voiced pink puffball (JY). And I was a green dinosaur that threw eggs. It was humiliating.

I was also exposed to a lot of Left4Dead, thanks to Neal.

*Neal is playing Left4Dead.*
Neal: This gas can is my son. His name is Fred. I love him.
Tommy: So you pour his insides all over dead people?
Neal: He isn’t potty-trained yet. No, bad Fred!

Friday, I hitched a ride home with Meredith and her dad, which mostly consisted of me snoring (asleep) in the backseat as “travel disco” played. I got back home and my family all said I got fatter. Then I made a massive backup of all my music and I beat Portal. Just like any other return home.

I refilled on laundry detergent and got a new toothbrush. To cut down on weight and space, mom provided dry detergent. I’ve learned by now not to ask where she does her shopping. Though it was tempting in this case when she presented me with a quarter kilo plastic bag of suspicious-looking but nice-smelling white powder. I made a note to myself to do my own shopping from now on as I tried to make it look less stereotypical by transferring it to a tupperware container.

I also sawed off another toothbrush for the same reasons as last time. It’s about time I indulged myself in a new toothbrush. I think I deserve it.

Academic Hostel

Sunday, January 4th, 2009

My results are in. I live to see another semester. I have a lot to say about the difficulties of the classes I took this past semester. I find that the best analogy for myself is to compare each class to being physically harmed in different ways.


regular old icepickEcon is more an annoyance than anything. Thrice weekly lectures are required thanks to daily quizzes, but softened by index card cheatsheets. Weekly homework assignments are frustrating but seldom impossible. It doesn’t cause the brain any pain, but it still is an unwelcome presence. It achieves the level of icepick in the lower back.

Fundamentals of Biology 111

regular old jigsaw

Bio is a jigsaw blade in the thigh. Overall, it’s not very much. But it’s the small bits here and there that’ll make you sorry. The overall ideas are not much more complicated than what’s been covered before in high school. The problem is that you’re tested on the most minute details of what is covered in lecture.

Organic Chemistry

Ochem is having a test tube jammed into your temple. It hurts, only gets worse with time and has a high probability of causing you to sputter with bewilderment and/or drool in public. Prof. Loudon is legendary in PrePharm circles. He literally wrote the book on Organic Chemistry. Compare difficulties to 10th grade chem and AP chem.

shield 10th-grade chemistry
Hordes of alien concepts vie to destroy you, but nerves of steel and a rapt attention give you a solid chance to prevail.
shield with droppers AP Chem
Your labs are as numerous as they are ferocious; their write-ups are devastating. Survival is not guaranteed.
shield with droppers forming an X and a human skull with wound Organic Chem
You face material you have never encountered before, that laughs contemptuously at your efforts to learn. This is suicide.

Human Anatomy and Physiology

BF tank

Anatomy is, you guessed it, being stabbed in the head with a tank. You initially think, “That’s impossible. No one can do that.” Then you begin to realize it is possible and your head explodes. Same with anatomy. You are expected to know every little charted and listed item lest you kill someone through applied ignorance.