Okay, so you spent the last few months firing applications into the sky like someone left you alone with a t-shirt cannon. And lo and behold someone actually responded. So you brush the lint off of your suit jacket, brush it even more out of pre-interview anxiety, then switch to your backup suit when you accidentally de-lint so hard, you loosen the threads on the shoulder.
So your hair is cut, your pubes are trimmed and your nails are scaled down from their former Howard Hughes-ish length. And now you have to drive three hours down to some nowhere town (“Nowhere” defined as having a Stop’n’Shop and a paucity of sidewalks.) in your most expensive clothes in Honda’s least expensive automobile of 2002.
Now, female interviewers love a gruff, raspy voice. They find it very masculine and authoritative. In order to achieve this, on your drive to the interview, sing along to the Frozen soundtrack with all the Menzel-ian vivacity you can muster. Make sure to hold those notes. Doesn’t matter what key, just hold them.
That done, you should have an advantage answering the following questions with a smooth Batman-esque baritone.
Make sure that, when asked why you want this job, you can quickly produce your slack billfold and display it loudly. Seconds count here, so no fumbling.
When they ask the inevitable question: “How do you plan on maintaining diversity in the work place?” Look them dead in the eye and say with great seriousness: I am willing to convert to Judaism.
Wild hand gestures are great for distracting from your thread-bare curriculum vitae.
Do not put anything in your hair.
For a followup to the interview, as a thank you, send them whatever food they were eating at the time. Note: if it was soup, double-bag the ziploc. If it was a sandwich, use loose wax paper to let the bread breathe.
Watch the stock price of your interviewer’s company after the big day. Lower is better. Lower means they just may be desperate enough to hire you.
When you finally get the call, thank them breathlessly, hang up and sit quietly contemplating how you’ve been offered the first step into your career.