It may not surprise some of my Purdue readers but there has been a zombie outbreak on campus. A moderately severe one. This outdoor-only infection started here. There are still survivors as far as I know.
They’re the ones armed with Nerf blasters. The standard load out is with the N-Strike 6-shot Maverick Rev-6 single-action revolver, which are conveniently located in full view of shopping college students at Walmart since August.
However, for those of them who couldn’t get their blasters rush delivered in time, the rules also stipulate that a balled up sock can serve the same purpose, thrown at zombies, it can also stun them for a spell. (And no, Nerf footballs are not like pipebombs.)
Resistance fighters cover doors between classes. Tuesday, a little Chinese girl with an orange armband waved me into Recitation Hall, with a Nerf Recon CS-6 slung over her shoulder; its stock extended and 6-round magazines jungle-clipped with masking tape and Hello Kitty stickers. On my way to class, I saw a three-man patrol, their squad gunner was hauling on his hip a fully automatic, chain-fed Vulcan EBF-25.
On Wednesday night, an army of two stopped by the Grille looking for food. They each had holsters made out of duct tape and cardboard on their hips for their Mavericks. In addition, each carried a pump-action Raider CS-35 with shoulder straps made out of duct tape. On a bandoleer around each of them was attached many spare darts to refill the Raider’s 35-round drum magazine. Hanging from one’s back was a lever-action Buzz Bee Rapid Fire. Attached to the bandoleer by velcro like so many fuzzy white grenades, were their socks, a desperate last resort for when all their other weapons were depleted.
You see, there are missions to accomplish when the sun falls. The survivors attempt desperately to gather the components of a cure. But the dead mostly come out at night, mostly. I could see them from the library window. A mob of survivors retreating desperately from an even larger zombie swarm. Tactical lights bolted to guns flashed everywhere trying to illuminate the path ahead and flush out any zombies in ambush. I sullenly went back to my biochemistry as suction cup rounds bounced off the window.
The extraction mission is today, and the “military” (Ball State students with what I hear are swords) is pulling out and taking all the remaining survivors with them.
I am proud that the honor system finally works. Although, gone is the tranquility of the night. What’s worse than zombies? Drunk, disoriented zombies. This neighborhood used to be a lot nicer when there were just drunk college students staggering around.
